you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
