I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
