I am puke
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
