Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
