he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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