It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
