Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
