You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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