3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
