Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
