I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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