My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she pinky promised me she was 18
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
