Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
