My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You pole danced in your parka.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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