Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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