I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
