and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
