yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
