I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
