I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it glows. i had to have it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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