My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
