My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
