Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
