The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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