She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
