He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
