Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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