you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
