He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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