last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i drank out of a bidet.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
