My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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