Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My penis needs a shock collar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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