He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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