puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
