I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
