i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
