My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
