Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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