i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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