I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
