Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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