seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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