So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
