I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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