New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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