Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
