overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
