Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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