That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
