why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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