There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
