How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
