Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
