When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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