even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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