you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
