dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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